Say What?

Thanks to Biljana for discovering this gem in the Washington Post:

Readers were asked to supply alternate meanings for various words.

The following were some of the winning entries:

ABDICATE (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

CARCINOMA (n.), a valley in California, notable for its heavy smog.

ESPLANADE (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

WILLY-NILLY (adj.), impotent

FLABBERGASTED (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

NEGLIGENT (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.

LYMPH (v.), to walk with a lisp.

GARGOYLE (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.

BUSTARD (n.), a very rude bus driver.

COFFEE (n.), a person who is coughed upon.

FLATULENCE (n.), the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

BALDERDASH (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

TESTICLE (n.),, a humorous question on an exam.

CIRCUMVENT (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.

OYSTER (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.

POKEMON (n), A Jamaican proctologist.

RECTITUDE (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.

Readers were also asked to take any word from the dictionary,
alter it by adding, subtracting or changing one letter, and supplying a new definition

SARCHASM: the gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the reader who doesn't get it.

REINTARNATION: coming back to life as a hillbilly.

GIRAFFITI: vandalism spray-painted very high.

FOREPLOY: any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of obtaining sex.

INOCULATTE: to take coffee intravenously.

OSTEOPORNOSIS: a degenerate disease.

GLIBIDO: all talk and no action.

DOPELER EFFECT: the tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

INTAXICATION: euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

IGNORANUS: a person who's both stupid and an asshole.

More Almost Words

AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks' trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.

DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow "remove" all the germs.

ELBONICS (el bon' iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater or airplane seat.

FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.

PEPPIER (pehp ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.

PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.

ACCORDIONATED (ah kor' de on nay tid) adj. Being able to drive and fold a road
map at the same time.

AQUALIBRIUM (ak wa lib' re um) n. The point at which the stream of drinkingwater is at its perfect height, thus relieving the drinker from (a) having to suck the nozzle, or (b) squirting himself in the eye.

ELECELLERATION (el a sel er ay' shun) n. The mistaken notion that the more you press an elevator button the faster it will arrive.

NEONPHANCY (ne on' fan see) n. A fluorescent light bulb struggling to come to life.


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