Political Humor

President Bush said if Iraq gets rid of Saddam Hussein, he will help the Iraqi people with food, medicine, supplies, housing, education – anything that's needed. Isn't that amazing? He finally comes up with a domestic agenda, and it's for Iraq. Maybe we could bring that here if it works out.
 – Jay Leno
The Tonight Show
2003

After two years in Washington, I often long for the realism and sincerity of Hollywood.
 – Fred Thompson
US senator, lawyer, writer, and actor
(1942)

 Now and then an innocent man is sent to the legislature.
 – Kin Hubbard

 A man who has never gone to school may steal from a freight car; but if he has a university education, he may steal the whole railroad.
 – Theodore Roosevelt
Twenty-sixth US president
(1858-1919)

KITTENS

George Bush, taking a stroll with a senior member of Congress meets a little girl carrying a small basket with a blanket over it. Curious, he says to the girl; "What's in the basket?". She replies; "New baby kittens" and opens the basket to show him." How nice" said Bush. " What kind are they?". The little girl says, "Republicans". Bush smiles, pats the little girl on the head and continues on. Three weeks later again taking a stroll, he sees the little girl again with the same basket. Bush says; "Watch this, it's very cute". They approach the little girl. Bush asks how the kittens are and she says fine. He then says, "What kind of kittens are they?" She replies, "Democrats." Somewhat abashed, Bush says, "Three weeks ago you said they were Republicans!" "I know," she says." But now their eyes are open".

Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on or by imbeciles who really mean it.
 – Mark Twain
author and humorist
(1835-1910)

Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we.
 – President George W. Bush

You've done a nice job decorating the White House.
 – Pop star Jessica Simpson,
upon being introduced to Interior Secretary
Gale Norton while touring the White House

If I could only go through the ducts and leap out onstage in a cape – that's my dream.
 – Ralph Nader,
on the presidential debates

Too many good docs are getting out of the business. Too many OB-GYNs aren't able to practice their love with women all across this country.
 – President George W. Bush

 Garrison Keillor apologizes to Republicans:

"Having been called names, one looks back at one's own angry outbursts over the years, and I recall having at various times referred to Republicans as 'hairy-backed swamp developers, fundamentalist bullies, freelance racists, hobby cops, sweatshop tycoons, line jumpers, marsupial moms and aluminum-siding salesmen, misanthropic frat boys, ninja ditto heads, shrieking midgets, tax cheats, cheese merchants, cat stranglers, pill pushers, nihilists in golf pants, backed-up Baptists, the grand pooh-bahs of Percodan, mouth breathers, testosterone junkies and brownshirts in pinstripes'.

"I look at those words now, and 'cat stranglers' seems excessive to me. The number of cat stranglers in the ranks of the Republican Party is surely low, and that reference was hurtful to Republicans and to cat owners. I feel sheepish about it."

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